Intentional Questions to Ask if You’re Considering Marriage
Hello friends!
This, no joke, may be the most requested piece of content that I have ever created.
A few weeks ago, I posted on my Instagram story about how my husband and I went through a list of over “100 Questions to ask a Potential Spouse” while we were dating 2 years ago. I tried to find the exact article we used, but it appeared to have been removed from the internet. I did a poll as to whether I should create one for you guys to have as a reference, and with over 400 messages and responses later, I am happily delivering.
Before we get into the questions, I wanted to say a few quick things…
First off, I am so happy that so many of you are interested in going DEEP with your potential spouse. With that being said, these questions are real and raw and are guaranteed to start some intentional, and probably difficult conversations. Know that you don’t have to ask all of these questions right now, and trust your judgement to know which ones are appropriate for the season of your relationship.
Second, I want to emphasize, some of these questions are controversial. The point in including them is to learn what your significant other thinks about certain issues, not because I myself am attempting to share my beliefs. I think it’s important to be in a relationship with someone who challenges you, but also shares the same morals as you.
Lasly, I asked my husband Noah if there were any questions he wanted to add, and he actually wanted to mention one simple thing to consider before diving into the questions!
Go through these questions individually first. The entire purpose of these questions is to be 100% transparent and vulnerable with the person you are thinking about spending the rest of your life with. In order for these conversation-starters to work, you have to actually answer them with honesty, even if it’s painful.
I loved that he mentioned this because from day one of our relationship, Noah has always been 100% his authentic self all the time. He’s a “what you see is what you get” type of human, and this part of his character was so attractive and inspiring to me from the start. I, on the other hand, tend to struggle with showing up in a room and playing the role that everyone desires me to play. It has taken me time to build up the same fierce authenticity that he naturally possesses. Not because I didn’t want to be authentic, because I did, but because I often struggled to connect to how I truly felt. Emotion has always been difficult for me to process and name. But I remember one specific car ride together after church, Noah looked over at me and said something I will never forget...
“Christina, I’m always going to be honest with you. I’m always going to gladly show my weaknesses, my opinions, my past mistakes and my quirks. Because if we fall in love, if we get married, I want you to fully know and love me - not a version of me that I wanted you to see. And I want this same thing from you. I want to fall in love with who you really are, not who you think I want you to be.”
This statement, this conversation, shifted something in me that day, and I hope it shifts something in you as you dive into these questions.
Let yourself be fully known and fully loved. Fully know and love someone else unconditionally.
With all of this being said, here are...
Questions to Ask Your Potential Spouse
What intrinsic value or virtue would you say is most important to you?
What is your opinion on alcohol? Do you drink, have you ever been drunk, do you have any specific thoughts on it, etc.
What is your opinion on caffeine? How much caffeine do you consume?
Have you ever experienced a substance addiction of any kind? What was the experience like? Are you in recovery? How can I support you?
What kind of food do you like? Would you say you are a relatively healthy eater? Give specific examples of your favorite meals.
What was your relationship to food like growing up? Did your parents cook, did you cook? Would you have family dinners? Did you eat out a lot? Share some memories.
Have you ever struggled with body dysmorphia or an eating disorder (anorexia, binge-eating, etc.)? What was the experience like? Would you say you are in recovery? How can I support you?
How often do you exercise? Do you prioritize exercise or movement throughout the day?
Have you ever been addicted to exercising? What was the experience like? Are you in recovery? How can I support you?
Do you know how to cook? If you don’t know how, are you desiring to learn how to?
When were you first exposed to porn, or have you ever been exposed to porn? Talk about the specific experience you had.
Have you ever struggled with lust, or have struggled with a porn addiction? What was the experience like? Would you say you are in recovery? How can I support you?
When were you first exposed to homosexuality, and what are your thoughts on homosexual relationships?
Which political party were you raised in? What type of political opinions were enforced at home? What issues are you passionate about, and what issues are you indifferent to? Would you say you still hold the same opinions as the ones you were brought up with? How have they changed?
Discuss racism. Have you ever been criticized because of your race or ethnicity? Talk about the experience.
What were finances like growing up? Did you live comfortably? Have you ever experienced poverty or malnourishment?
When did you learn how to budget, or how are you learning how to budget?
Are you more of a saver or a spender? Do you impulse buy? Do you enjoy shopping?
Have you ever been addicted to shopping? What was the experience like? Would you say you are in recovery? How can I support you?
Have you ever placed a bet, casually or seriously, for a game? Have you ever won or lost money? Discuss.
Have you ever been addicted to gambling or betting? What was the experience like? Are you in recovery? Where are your finances now because of it? How can I support you?
What household chores did you have to do growing up? Which ones are your favorite, and which ones do you despise?
Are you an early bird or a night owl?
What does your ideal daily routine look like? What does your current daily routine look like?
What does your ideal weekend look like? What does your current weekend look like?
How have you, or your family, been affected by COVID-19? How can I support you?
What are your thoughts on sex? When did you learn about it? Did you ever discuss it with your parents? What was the conversation like about it with your friends?
Have you ever been sexually active? If so, how many times, and in how many relationships?
What is your opinion on masturbation?
Have you ever suffered from sexual abuse, or physical abuse of any kind? (Let the conversation unfold naturally and gently. Do not force answers).
Which family members are you closest and least closest to? Why is this?
Do you have siblings? If so, what was your relationship with them like growing up, and what is it like with them now?
What is your relationship like with your parents or guardians? Are they married or divorced? In what ways do you look up to them? In what ways do you differ from them?
How does your family handle conflict? Would you say your family is more confrontational, or non-confrontational? How has this affected how you deal with conflict?
How do you handle conflict? Would you say you handle it well or poorly? Explain.
How do you handle criticism? Would you say you handle it well or poorly? Explain.
Think of a time where you received positive feedback and how it made you feel. Discuss.
Think of a time where you received negative feedback and how it made you feel. Discuss.
Have you ever experienced verbal, emotional, spiritual, or relational abuse? (Let the conversation unfold naturally and gently. Do not force answers).
Do you have a close friend or close group of friends? What is that dynamic like? Share some of your most favorite memories with that person or group of people.
What are your thoughts on friendships with the opposite sex or past exes outside of the relationship? What is okay, what is not okay?
Have you ever been cheated on, and have you ever cheated on someone? Explain the situation, and process what happened.
What qualities do you look for in a friend? What qualities do you try and have as a friend?
Would you consider yourself a good friend? Why or why not?
What are your thoughts on romance? Do you prefer to have a romantic experience with your significant other frequently? Going on dates is important, but how would you rank them in importance to you?
What are your highest and lowest love languages? How do you give and receive love?
Would you say you are someone who needs verbal affirmation? How do you take compliments and words of encouragement?
How do you handle teasing? Do you enjoy being playfully teased? When does it cross the line?
What is your favorite type of humor and what is your least favorite type of humor? Share some examples and jokes.
Would you say you are naturally optimistic, or naturally pessimistic? Are you a dreamer or a realist? Discuss this for a bit.
Do you ever struggle with complaining or whining? Be honest, and discuss.
When it comes to traveling, do you prefer to have a schedule in place for your trip, or do you prefer to have a rough list of ideas and go with the flow?
Share your most fond and most tragic travel experiences.
What are some places you would like to visit? What’s on your bucket list?
How important is traveling to you in our relationship and in your life?
What has your professional or vocational experience been like so far? Do you have a job? How many jobs have you had? Which one was your favorite, which one was your least favorite?
Have you ever quit or have been fired from a job? Explain the situation and what happened.
How important is work to you? Would you consider yourself to be motivated vocationally? Would you consider yourself to be an entrepreneur?
Do you prefer to work alone or with a team?
Do you enjoy collaborating with others? Why or why not?
Do you expect both of us to work jobs in our relationships and in our future marriage? Be honest about where you see yourself vocationally in 5-10 years.
Have you ever struggled with workaholism? What was the experience like and how does it show up in your life? Are you in recovery? How can I support you?
How important is conventional education to you (graduating high school, college, etc.)? What are your thoughts on self-taught careers, trade schools, etc.?
Did you go to traditional school? Have you ever experienced private school or homeschooling? What are your thoughts on other ways of learning?
Would you say you’re a good student? What grades did you make in school and in college? Talk about some of your favorite and least favorite classes, teachers, assignments, etc.
How important was education at home? Was it highly valued? Were you able to have access to the education you desired? Discuss.
Do you have or are you planning on having student debt? Are you being expected to pay for college or are you receiving funding elsewhere?
What causes are you passionate about?
Have you ever volunteered in the community? Is this important to you and would you like to do it as a couple? Talk about some of your experiences.
Do you have a mentor? Do you want a mentor? Talk about the people you most admire, and the people you consider to have shaped you into the person you are today.
How are you looking to grow as a person right now? In self-awareness, vulnerability, etc.
Have you been diagnosed or have you ever struggled with anxiety, panic disorder, depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD, etc.? Have you ever taken medication for any of these things?
What has your experience been like with mental health? Have you ever had thoughts of suicide? How can I support you in your mental health journey?
In what ways do you take care of your mental health?
What are you thoughts on mental disorders?
What are your thoughts on disabilities and disorders in general? How you ever experienced one, or do you know someone who struggles with something?
This section may seem too specific, but it helped Noah and I SO MUCH in our relationship and eventually marriage. Be open and direct with each other!
Dig deep for this one...what are your relational expectations of me in our relationship? Be as open and clear as possible. (Texting, calling, going on dates, initiation, etc.) Share your honest relational expectations. Talk about what is feasible and make a plan!
If you’re engaged, share your relational expectations for each other in the following areas…
Who takes care of finances & budgeting
Who does what household chores
Who will cook the most
Who will plan dates
Anything else you can think of
Questions to Add if You are A Christian
What is your testimony? Share your stories of faith with each other.
What does your quiet time look like currently? How many times a week do you usually spend in the Word? Are you happy with where you are in terms of Bible reading right now?
What does your prayer life look like? Do you have a prayer journal for yourself or others? Do you pray often to yourself? Do you like to pray out loud?
Share some answered prayers you’ve experienced.
What are some characteristics of God that you have learned over the years? What are you learning about Him right now?
Have you ever struggled with doubts? Are you currently struggling? Discuss openly about the areas of your faith you struggle with. God isn’t intimidated or frightened by our doubting. This is a shame-free zone!
Have you ever drifted away from your faith completely? What was that like? What were the circumstances? What did you learn? Share deeply.
What does your worship-life look like? Do you usually only worship at church, or do you also worship at home?
How do you define worship?
Do you practice tithing? Do you want to practice tithing? What are your thoughts on giving?
How would you like God to present in our relationship? What are you expecting from me spiritually?
What are your thoughts on things like the enneagram, the law of attraction, new age theology, etc.?
Are you currently a member of a church? How often do you attend? Are you involved in any groups?
What denomination did you grow up in? Do you consider yourself a part of that denomination? Talk about some of your experiences there.
What are your thoughts on speaking in tongues, physical miracles and healings, modern day prophets, etc.
How can you be praying for each other in terms of everything that you have discussed?
Lastly, share your expectations and ask what the other’s expectations of you are spiritually in this relationship. (How often will you pray together? Are you expecting to do Bible Studies together? Will you go to church together? Etc.)
If you’re engaged...a few things:
Talk about what you expect your sexual relationship to be like.
Have you grown up educated on sex, afraid of it, faced abuse with it, etc. What are your thoughts on masturbation, oral sex, sex toys, lubricant, etc.?
Do you believe in birth control? Explain your opinion and discuss what actions you plan on taking together.
Share your expectations of spirituality in marriage. How often will you pray together? Do Bible studies, join a church or group, etc.