How Your Boundaries May Be Crossed Based On Your Enneagram Type
When it comes to having boundaries, I am the first to raise a hand and say that I am one of the worst people at setting them. But sometimes the things that we are worst at can become the things we can share the most wisdom about.
First off, what is the Enneagram and why would it help you develop better boundaries?
The Enneagram is a personality typing system, rumored to be one of the oldest personality typing systems in history. There are 9 Enneagram Types broken down by having a specific core desire, a core fear, and a core wound. After attending a school to learn more about the inner workings of the human heart, a man named Oscar Ichazo wanted to put together a formula of all of his findings. Throughout the years, components of Judaism, Christianity, Taoism, Buddhism, and ancient Greek philosophy have helped to shape the Enneagram into what it is today. The Enneagram was designed to show us the core passion and wounds of the heart for the purpose of finding healing for the inner child. Myself and many other individuals have found the Enneagram to be the “stepping stone” from being interested in pop psychology and meme-ified personality tests, to also being interested in therapeutic practices and neuroscience.
Now understanding a glimpse of the Enneagram’s history, it makes sense that it would be used as a tool to help us become better people. In a recent post on my Instagram, I shared a tip for each Enneagram type in regards to developing boundaries with others.
In this blog post, I will be exploring this topic a little more in-depth by including more information about each Enneagram type as a whole. Let’s dive in!
Enneagram 1
Core desire: To be balanced, to have integrity, to be good enough
Core fear: Being imbalanced, inaccurate, untrue, bad
Why boundaries may have been crossed: Because their integrity and conviction can communicate a sense of leadership for others.
Enneagram 1s are thought to be the Enneagram type most prone to perfectionism. Though they can struggle with perfection-paralysis, they are wise, collected, and thoughtful individuals. A way someone may cross an Enneagram 1’s boundaries is by using them as the only moral compass or decision maker in their life.
Recognizing it: If someone is only confiding/contacting you because they want you to make decisions for them, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember that you are more than your convictions. And being the sole decision maker for someone else does not serve you or the other person.
Affirmation: “I am more than my conviction and I deserve to be treated as such.”
Enneagram 2
Core desire: To be irreplaceable, to experience deep love, to be wanted
Core fear: Being replaced, discarded, unwanted, undesirable
Why boundaries may have been crossed: Because their generosity and willingness to sacrifice can create an imbalance in the relationship.
Enneagram 2s are considered to be the companions and supporters of the Enneagram system. Though they can struggle with possessiveness over their relationships, they are generous, warm-hearted, and sacrificial individuals. A way someone may cross an Enneagram 2’s boundaries is by using their core desires against them; taking advantage of how much they give and do.
Recognizing it: If someone is only confiding/contacting you because they want your help and nothing else, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember that you are more than how you serve. And one-way relationships do not serve you or the other person.
Affirmation: “I am more than how I serve and I deserve to be treated as such.”
Enneagram 3
Core desire: To be valued, impactful, everything they claim to be
Core fear: Being worthless, seen as a “loser”, exposed
Why boundaries may have been crossed: Because their charming, encouraging nature can communicate a sense that they are the key to other’s success.
Enneagram 3s are labeled typically as achievers and success-oriented individuals. Though they can struggle with subconscious deception within their relationships, they are encouraging, motivated, and visionary individuals. A way someone may cross an Enneagram 3’s boundaries is by using their core desires against them; minimizing all that they do and work for.
Recognizing it: If someone is only confiding/contacting you because they want your encouragement, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember that you are more than how you cheer. And being someone's sole cheerleader does not serve you or the other person.
Affirmation: “I am more than what I do and I deserve to be treated as such.”
Enneagram 4
Core desire: To be significant, rescued, complete
Core fear: Being insignificant, lacking, abandoned
Why boundaries may have been crossed: Because their openness and empathy can communicate a unique sense of safety for others.
Enneagram 4s are known as the dreamers and seekers individuals with a strong focus on meaningfulness. Though they can struggle with hot-and-cold behavior within their relationships, they are empathetic, visionary, and expressive individuals. A way someone may cross an Enneagram 4’s boundaries is by using their core desires against them; making them feel inferior for feeling as much as they do.
Recognizing it: If someone is only confiding/contacting you because they want you to hold their brokenness, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember that you are more than how you empathize. And being someone's sole secret-keeper does not serve you or the other person.
Affirmation: “I am more than my depth and I deserve to be treated as such.”
Enneagram 5
Core desire: To be capable, competent, comfortable
Core fear: Being blindsided, uninformed, without what they need
Why boundaries may have been crossed: Because their ability to problem solve while remaining open-minded communicates wisdom.
Enneagram 5s are seen as the most introverted of all the Enneagram types, simply because they value alone time more than most. Though they can struggle with detachedness within their relationships, they are insightful, steady, and understanding individuals. A way someone may cross an Enneagram 5’s boundaries is by using their core desires against them; purposefully making them feel as though they do not understand something.
Recognizing it: If someone is only confiding/contacting you because they want your advice, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember that you are more than how you problem-solve. And being someone's sole advisor does not serve you or the other person.
Affirmation: “I am more than my knowledge and I deserve to be treated as such.”
Enneagram 6
Core desire: To be prepared, safe, guided
Core fear: Being left in danger, misguided, without certainty
Why boundaries may have been crossed: Because their ability to work through situations and listen can communicate stability and loyalty.
Enneagram 6s are the glue in our society. Though they can struggle with anxiety within their relationships, they are dedicated, loyal, and reliable individuals. A way someone may cross an Enneagram 6’s boundaries is by using their core desires against them; taking advantage of their struggle to trust themselves.
Recognizing it: If someone is only confiding/contacting you because they want your loyalty, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember that you are more than your loyalty. And being someone's sole place of stability does not serve you or the other person.
Affirmation: “I am more than my loyalty and I deserve to be treated as such.”
Enneagram 7
Core desire: To be taken care of, unlimited, content
Core fear: Being trapped, limited, dissatisfied
Why boundaries may have been crossed: Because their friendliness and enthusiasm can communicate a sense of unmatched closeness for others.
Enneagram 7s want to remind us of the thrill of being alive through their joy and fascination with the world. Though they can struggle with avoidance within their relationships, they are enthusiastic, curious, and playful individuals. A way someone may cross an Enneagram 7’s boundaries is by using their core desires against them; ignoring their desire to be taken care of within their relationships.
Recognizing it: If someone is only confiding/contacting you because they want you to show up for them, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember that you are more than your enthusiasm. And being someone's "fun BFF" only does not serve you or the other person.
Affirmation: “I am more than my enthusiasm and I deserve to be treated as such.”
Enneagram 8
Core desire: To be strong, with power, immovable
Core fear: Being vulnerable, betrayed, at the mercy of someone else
Why boundaries may have been crossed: Because their self-confidence and bend towards justice can communicate a sense of advocacy for those who feel lost.
Enneagram 8s are the defenders of the underdog within the Enneagram system. Though they can struggle with overpowering their relationships, they are justice-seeking, tender, and protective individuals. A way someone may cross an Enneagram 8’s boundaries is by using their core desires against them; making them feel small when vulnerable.
Recognizing it: If someone is only confiding/contacting you because they want your advocacy, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember that you are more than your strength. And being someone's only pillar of strength does not serve you or the other person.
Affirmation: “I am more than my advocacy and I deserve to be treated as such.”
Enneagram 9
Core desire: To be unaffected, at peace, connected
Core fear: Being stuck in chaos or conflict, disconnected
Why boundaries may have been crossed: Because their welcoming and approachable demeanor can communicate that they will offer unconditional love.
Enneagram 9s are known as the most conflict avoidant of all the Enneagram types simply because they are show up as peacemakers within the world. Though they can struggle with honesty within their relationships, they are accepting, creative, and hopeful individuals. A way someone may cross an Enneagram 9’s boundaries is by using their core desires against them; taking advantage of their desire to remain connected by insinuating punishment for disagreements.
Recognizing it: If someone is only confiding/contacting you because they want you to listen to them, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember that you are more than an extension of others. And being someone's unpaid therapist only does not serve you or the other person.
Affirmation: “I am more than my approachability and I deserve to be treated as such.”